article, blog, june, myblog, onion, satire

Local girl discovers ASL ice-bucket challenge, one year late

(This is just a work of satire, like The Onion)

A local Reynoldsburg girl named Rose Cinnamon excitedly shared with her Facebook friends a video of her dumping a bucket of ice all over herself.

“I’m super stoked to be the first one of all my friends to be part of the SLA ice-bucket charity challenge to raise awareness of disease,” she said to her cell-phone camera as she shakily held the heavy ice bucket over her head.

As soon as she dumped the freezing water over her 112 lb body, she let out a blood-curdling scream and her white t-shirt from Justice immediately became transparent.

None of her “friends” had the heart to tell her that she butchered the name of the charity that she was supposedly helping.

At the end of the 3:33 min video, Cinnamon challenged her “BFFs” Carrie, Alexa, Shawn and he-who-must-not-be-named to also do the “pour-a-box-o-cold-water challenge”.

A few of Cinnamon’s 23 Facebook friends were quick to point out that the ice-bucket challenge is no longer cool.

“What the hell is this? I already did this last year. You cray if you think I soaking myself with ice again.” commented one of Cinnamon’s friends, Carrie Spice.

ASL (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis or Lou Gehrigs Disease)  is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord

The ASL ice-bucket challenge was a cultural phenomenon that took place a long long time ago, back in the summer of 2014.

Participants who did dump ice on themselves were asked to use any of the following hashtags: #icebucketchallenge, #alsicebucketchallenge, and #strikeoutals.

Cinnamon did not even follow these simple directions.

Reportedly, Cinnamon did not make a financial donation to the ASL Association, but instead filmed herself dumping a bucket of ice cubes over herself.


How NOT to do a manicure

You already know how to do a DIY at home manicure. But I bet you sure don’t know how not to do one, right?

  • Don’t take off your old polish. Just coat the new one on top. Ain’t nobody got time for nail polish remover. 
  • Don’t forget to paint your nails on the new white sofa. Be sure to set your open nail polish bottles on the couch cushions too. Oh, they won’t spill. 
  • Don’t look to Pinterest for nail art design ideas. Those girls are all either professionals or have way way too much time on their hands. All of it is too hard, trust me. Let the pros stick to what they do best.  
  • If you do want to do a nail design, don’t put tape on your nails, like the instructions say. Just paint the other color on freehand style. Be free man, don’t let the tape hold you back. 
  • Don’t use a base coat. Especially if you’re using orange nail polish. When you take off your polish, you’re in for a fun surprise. 
  • Don’t take your time. Just dip each nail in the bottle. 
  • Get some polish on your skin? Whatever you do, don’t clean it up. Leave it on your skin. That’s the new trend. 
  • Don’t wait for your nails to dry all the way. Start mowing the lawn or take your dog for a walk and then pick up dog poop immediately. 
  • Better yet, don’t forget to use a top coat while your nails are still wet so the colors will run together. Mmm grey. 
  • Don’t take quality pictures of your manicure while holding the nail polish bottle. Just make a creepy claw with your fingers and take a blurry photo of that. 
There you go. Now you know how not to paint your nails. 

2014, satire


Student finishes book: “I’ve read worse”

On Monday February 24, at 9:49 a.m. a sophomore student, Victor Clerval, finished reading the literary classic Frankenstein by Mary Shelley.

“It was fine, I guess. It wasn’t great. I’ve read worse.” The student said in an exclusive book review.

It was reportedly required reading for the student’s gothic literature class. Sources confirmed that the student is “thinking of being an English major.”

“I thought it would be y’know more gothic,” said the student. “But like nobody was wearing all black, no one listened to emo or punk rock and like it wasn’t scary at all.” Clerval said as he looked at the cover of the book.

 Clerval said that the book “wasn’t as bad as other books I’ve read. I mean it was no Heart of Darkness   or Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Now, those were bad.”

When asked who his favorite character was, the student shrugged and said, “I don’t know. Frankenstein?”

The student has started to refer to the book as “the text” in an effort to sound more pretentious.

Other students in that class had previously read Frankenstein in high school and lauded the book on it’s powerful and complex literary themes.

“I loved how light and fire represented the duality of progress and innovation. Totes mah goats genius,” said a junior Communication major from Maryland who is taking the class for a GE credit.

Clerval said this was the first book he’s “actually read” this year.

“But if you add up all the tweets I’ve read that probably counts as a book.”
He is excited to get his free personal pan pizza through Pizza Hut’s BOOK IT! reading program.

Clerval said he looked forward to reading Dracula next because “I liked Twilight so I will probably like this other vampire book, right?”

bullsheet, denison, funny, satire, university

Buzzard for president

This is a satire piece I wrote for the Bullsheet, a daily informal student publication, in the fall semester of 2012 when the University was looking for a new President. I meant it to be humorous and for entertainment only.

Buzzard is in the lead for next university president

As you know, thanks to the always accurate reporting done by the Denisonian, Denison is looking for a new president. It has been leaked by a board of trustee member that the search has already been narrowed down to two candidates.

“A deer by the name of Libby Doe is a serious candidate. She is a professor of environmental science from Ohio State.” a trustee member said. “She’s a bit timid but seems capable of being very creative and courageous.”

“The other front runner is a local buzzard named, Ziggy. He teaches in the English department at Otterbein. His area of expertise is gothic literature.” said the trustee.

The Board of Trustees is looking for candidates that stand out from a crowd and genuinely care about environmental issues on campus.

Most importantly, they want someone who can relate to the students.

“Ziggy the Buzzard has a strong connection with the students. It’s like he sits perched somewhere and observes them all day long or something.” the trustee said. “Libby seemed too fascinated with the grass and the trees. She didn’t seem that interested in getting to know our students.”

The candidates all are still in the current faculty positions and do not want it known that they are seeking a higher office at a competing university.

While the final decision has not been made yet, one trustee member has come out supporting the buzzard.

“I’ve been around long enough to know what this campus needs. This buzzard will be the best president we’ve ever seen.”

Ziggy plans on banning all fireworks on campus, adding mandatory ornithology classes for all majors, and erecting a statue of himself in the middle of A Quad.

The buzzard himself was unavailable for content because he does not trust the media of any kind. He views them all as lying pigs.