bullsheet, denison, funny, satire, university

Buzzard for president

This is a satire piece I wrote for the Bullsheet, a daily informal student publication, in the fall semester of 2012 when the University was looking for a new President. I meant it to be humorous and for entertainment only.

Buzzard is in the lead for next university president

As you know, thanks to the always accurate reporting done by the Denisonian, Denison is looking for a new president. It has been leaked by a board of trustee member that the search has already been narrowed down to two candidates.

“A deer by the name of Libby Doe is a serious candidate. She is a professor of environmental science from Ohio State.” a trustee member said. “She’s a bit timid but seems capable of being very creative and courageous.”

“The other front runner is a local buzzard named, Ziggy. He teaches in the English department at Otterbein. His area of expertise is gothic literature.” said the trustee.

The Board of Trustees is looking for candidates that stand out from a crowd and genuinely care about environmental issues on campus.

Most importantly, they want someone who can relate to the students.

“Ziggy the Buzzard has a strong connection with the students. It’s like he sits perched somewhere and observes them all day long or something.” the trustee said. “Libby seemed too fascinated with the grass and the trees. She didn’t seem that interested in getting to know our students.”

The candidates all are still in the current faculty positions and do not want it known that they are seeking a higher office at a competing university.

While the final decision has not been made yet, one trustee member has come out supporting the buzzard.

“I’ve been around long enough to know what this campus needs. This buzzard will be the best president we’ve ever seen.”

Ziggy plans on banning all fireworks on campus, adding mandatory ornithology classes for all majors, and erecting a statue of himself in the middle of A Quad.

The buzzard himself was unavailable for content because he does not trust the media of any kind. He views them all as lying pigs.

2013, bullsheet, debbie, deborahgillum, denison, writing

Deer will now be students

Hey. Here’s a satire piece I submitted to the Bullsheet on November 9, 2013. Enjoy! 

The university announced yesterday that in order to relieve racial tensions on campus and to promote diversity, deer will now be admitted to the campus.

“What better way to teach students to value diversity than to have diversity of species within the classroom?” said Denison’s president.

The university is the first of its kind to take such dramatic steps, but they are confident that it will be successful.

This decision came partly because of financial reasons.

“The deer have been freeloading on this campus for too long. It’s time they pay tuition like everyone else,” said an administrator eating Halloween candy.

The deer will be paying the full $50,000 semester tuition that includes food and lodging. The office of financial aid said that some deer will be given merit scholarship but only if they demonstrate, “exceptional academic promise.”

To accommodate the new students in the dorms, deer-doors will be installed over the summer in Shep and Shorney. Huffman and Curtis will also be offering tofu grass, organic twigs, and gluten-free grain for the deer.

Students have long complained that the campus was not diverse enough so the administration hopes that this decision to blend humans with animals within the classroom will once and for all end the debate.

The administration is emphasizing to students that any hazing of the deer will not be tolerated.

“They be grazing, not hazing, let’s be amazing” rapped one administrator.

The deer are excited to gain the respect of students and begin a rigorous schedule as a full-time student.

“I’m going to have to cutdown on my time standing in the middle of the road so I can really prioritize my environmental studies readings,” said one deer. The deer was seen shopping at J.Crew in order to prepare to blend in with fellow students. “Now, I’ll finally be able to swipe into Slayter instead of charging in there,” said the deer in an exclusive interview.

Students have mixed emotions about their new classmates.

“I don’t like the deer. They are too annoying. I don’t know how much more of their deer drivel I can take,” said a sophomore from Hawaii.

“This is great news. Now we’ll have more students available to attend fake protests,” said a student wearing Ugg boots in November.

To help integrate the deer onto campus, they will have their own unique Deer-O pre-pre orientation starting tomorrow followed by a pre-orientation beginning a week before classes start in the spring and then a formal orientation a month after classes start.